on top of your usual doubts and fears, never did you in your wildest dreams thought you would have to contemplate the same feelings except ten to twenty times worse. It hasn't been an easy journey and an easy road it won't be. perhaps it will never be for some. one day in the future, you might look back and realise that is the case, or not.
your feeling of self worthiness hasn't sunk this low before I don't think. this is unchartered territory, the feeling like you're nothing but a shell of a skeleton finding things to do between now and the time of death. without an identity, without a purpose, without anyone to share it with and without hope. you're nothing but a soul-less corporate ant scurrying about life achieving nothing. and only to fulfil what.
the love of your life (or so you thought) has betrayed you in the worst possible way. with him now gone he has taken away your freedom, your happiness, your identify and worst of all, your purpose. sure, go and earn tons and tons of money - for what. you think you love to cook, sure, but for whom.
you can't compare because you're never going to match up, to her or to anyone at all. and nothing is going to change that. one of your biggest fears you're too much of a coward to face up to right now is him relishing in no longer having you in his life. maybe that's the underlying aim amongst all things physical. so what if he hasn't come to realise it but ultimately he's won the battle and is on to bigger and better things. he's now finally free to roam. who wants or needs anything to do with a pathetic empty soul who couldn't save herself even if she tried.
your friends say to him, she wasn't a keeper anyway. she is mad and immature, she's controlling, she's more trouble than she's worth - look what she's pushed you to do. you pitied her that's why you hung around. a charming talented boy like you deserve someone carefree, happy go lucky, vibrant and full of life, they say. blow by blow it continues to give him strength, confidence and belief that he's better off without you. he's going to turn over a new leaf, create a new blank slate and walk on, shoulders squared with a new lease in life. the girls will come and you know it. you're nothing but a self pitiful stench of wasted stale air. I wouldn't waste half a breath on you, except I am you I have no choice.
like cancer feeding a tumour, you're going to let this consume you twice over, inside and out, I know it.
sad to say, that's who you are and who you have become. there is no point, there never was a point and there may well be never a point. this motivated purposeful facade you have created and maintained so well is just another failed attempt at masking the ugly truth.
I couldn't be less proud of you.
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