dear me

on top of your usual doubts and fears, never did you in your wildest dreams thought you would have to contemplate the same feelings except ten to twenty times worse. It hasn't been an easy journey and an easy road it won't be. perhaps it will never be for some. one day in the future, you might look back and realise that is the case, or not.

your feeling of self worthiness hasn't sunk this low before I don't think. this is unchartered territory, the feeling like you're nothing but a shell of a skeleton finding things to do between now and the time of death. without an identity, without a purpose, without anyone to share it with and without hope. you're nothing but a soul-less corporate ant scurrying about life achieving nothing. and only to fulfil what.

the love of your life (or so you thought) has betrayed you in the worst possible way. with him now gone he has taken away your freedom, your happiness, your identify and worst of all, your purpose. sure, go and earn tons and tons of money - for what. you think you love to cook, sure, but for whom. 

you can't compare because you're never going to match up, to her or to anyone at all. and nothing is going to change that. one of your biggest fears you're too much of a coward to face up to right now is him relishing in no longer having you in his life. maybe that's the underlying aim amongst all things physical. so what if he hasn't come to realise it but ultimately he's won the battle and is on to bigger and better things. he's now finally free to roam. who wants or needs anything to do with a pathetic empty soul who couldn't save herself even if she tried. 

your friends say to him, she wasn't a keeper anyway. she is mad and immature, she's controlling, she's more trouble than she's worth - look what she's pushed you to do. you pitied her that's why you hung around. a charming talented boy like you deserve someone carefree, happy go lucky, vibrant and full of life, they say. blow by blow it continues to give him strength, confidence and belief that he's better off without you. he's going to turn over a new leaf, create a new blank slate and walk on, shoulders squared with a new lease in life. the girls will come and you know it. you're nothing but a self pitiful stench of wasted stale air. I wouldn't waste half a breath on you, except I am you I have no choice.

like cancer feeding a tumour, you're going to let this consume you twice over, inside and out, I know it. 

sad to say, that's who you are and who you have become. there is no point, there never was a point and there may well be never a point. this motivated purposeful facade you have created and maintained so well is just another failed attempt at masking the ugly truth. 

I couldn't be less proud of you.

times gone by

Nothing's going right, tears flow freely at the slightest poke
By the dim light I like to watch the pain pour out
Like fire pierce through the darkness the explosion prevails
Old sentiments locked up in the present, the future remains bleak
If only a standstill could amputate the thunderstorm cocktail, I will celebrate.

The world slides by happy and high
It leaves me wondering if the ending is nigh.

temptation

As the night draws near and another day draws to a close, it is too easy for the mind to wander into the dark dusty corners of itself. The temptation to wonder, to analyse, to reanalyse, to relive, to reach out, to long for that comforting smell. It is nothing but a memory held together by what was once the association to happiness, love and everything sweet.

The temptation to wonder the outcome if we had done things differently, if we had been different people, at a different time. What if.

She grieves to have loved but never to have been loved. I have loved, and have been loved and then to watch it melt away in a flash. How much of it was real, I can't help but wonder. 

I will never have what they had that much is clear. The romantic exchange, the feeding of each other's hunger for more and the promise to continue to do so. Is this a sign of the end? A realisation of an end perhaps. What was lost cannot be regained. What was love is now nothing but a distant memory. The temptation to release the angry hungry tiger within is lurking in the periphery. To lash out and rip the souls from them empty hearts. To avenge hurt, the pain, the happiness, the blossoming love, the sins, the romance, the fights, the ups and the downs. To draw blood once again, a symbol of purging sorrows, a means to an end.

Is this the point of no return? 

a breakthrough

The saying that life wouldn't throw you anything you can't handle is true after all, as I get reminded, again.

I must have failed to pay attention to the signs of betrayal in recent times, blinded by the search and longing of familiarity, the closest connection to the source of pain. And then wham! The utmost excruciating prick stings at a pressure point that I never knew could hurt more than it already does. It was good while it lasted, incredible actually and I couldn't be more fortunate. But moving on is what I need to focus on now, for now. This isn't about you, you or you, it is about me. Dealing with my emotions is the next big thing, as scary and as impossible and as unknown as it appears to be right now. 

It is uncanny that Life knows just how and when to strike. It knows just when it's the right time and space to give a big kick in the butt. Boy it hurts real good when it happens and it hurts for a good long while after that, don't you worry. But it is only a sign of what's to come which will be so much sweeter. The hard yards will be slogged, the tears will be shed, the fear will be endured and eventually overcome. And it will be worth it at the end. I will not be held back by the shackles of petty immaturity or despicable actions, I will not succumb to the alluring comfort nest of familiarity.

They never say everything happens for a reason for nothing. The torture will be immaterial to the sweet success at a new beginning. 

Come at me, Life. I surrender.

only one - a song from you to me

Did all the words I never said
Hurt as bad as those I did?
You know I never even cared 
Not before you.
If I could go and turn back time
If I could only press rewind
I would bleed this heart of mine
And just to show you

I'll be the first to say I'm sorry,
The first to say I'm stupid
Why do I always take it there?
Is it hopeless or maybe you still want to
Meet me at the altar?
And I will lay it all to bare

And I told you all my secrets,
All my fears, I've let go.
And it's flawless,
You are the only one,
You are the only one,
Don't you know,
Don't you know?

Am I fading from your mind
Has the distance blurred the lines?
They say all things heal with time, but it's untrue
I will linger on every word
I know it's more than I deserve
Chances are I'll make it worse, but I need to

Tell you, tell you that I'm sorry,
Tell you that I'm stupid,
Why do I always take it there?
Is it hopeless or maybe you still want to
Meet me at the altar?
And I will lay it all to bare

And I told you all my secrets,
All my fears, I've let go
And it's flawless,
You are the only one,
You are the only one,
Don't you know?

Don't you know,
That the hardest part's not having you to hold?
Don't you know
This old heart of mine can't bear to see you go?

And I told you all my secrets,
All my fears, I've let go
And it's flawless,
You are the only one,
You are the only one,
Don't you know?

And I told you all my secrets,
All my fears, I've let go
And it's flawless,
You are the only one,
You are the only one,
Don't you know?

And I told you all my secrets,
All my fears, I've let go
And it's flawless,
You are the only one,
You are the only one,
Don't you know?

bonfire heart

days like this lead to

nights like this lead to

love like ours, you light the spark in my bonfire heart

people like us, we don't

need that much, just some

one that starts,

starts the spark in our bonfire hearts

I first heard this song on the drive down to the yoga retreat in Murwillumbah and thought of you. It came on the radio yesterday when we were on the way to the Mooloolaba spit. Like Oh Honey, it makes my heart skip a beat and takes me instantly back to a time when I felt that I had everything in the world that I had ever wanted. You were such a good boyfriend and I never felt luckier and didn't feel like I wanted anything more.

Seeing you today was such a shock. You would have seen it on my face, how I pretended not to have seen you, the way I looked away to see if I could bail and go the other way. I have to say that I was disappointed when I finally gathered the courage to look at you, you weren't looking back at me. I wonder if you had seen me at the shops beforehand? I wonder if it was mere coincidence? Or if you timed it so that we could cross paths the way we did. Maybe you didn't even see me but I think that wouldn't have been the case. 

It's Sunday night before work on a Monday. Almost for old times sake, and in search for some other sort of comfort, I made steamed barramundi and rice. It was the wrong thing to cook or eat in this heat. But I choked back tears, as I try to swat Pat away from trying to eat the rice, and ate anyway as quickly as I could, all alone, in silence.

I can't help but wonder if there will be a day when I'll spend a whole day not thinking of you. It is somewhat easier in the company of other people. I don't feel like I can or should let my emotions go freely when there are other people around me. 

I so want to send you the address of this blog, if you haven't already found it. It's not hard to look it up as it is linked to the same account that littleniteowl was created on, alongside all my other blogs from years past.

I don't know what tomorrow and the day after brings but I guess I will find out when the time comes. The same goes for my feelings towards you and about myself. It is one big wait and see game that we are now part of. Our roles aren't certain nor do we know what we are supposed to working towards.

It is so hard not to be working through this with you. You are the one person who I can work through anything with, even if it is to do with our relationship. I'm still so angry at you for letting something intrude upon everything we had worked so hard towards to. I am so angry at you for lacking courage, strength, logic and sense. 

a letter to you

Dear Steve,

Today has not been the easiest of days and it is one where I have spent almost every minute thinking of you, what you have done, what it means, what we had and what the future brings for us. I woke up crying, went back to sleep, woke up to more tears, more thinking and less motivation than ever to do anything.

I was very close to giving you a ring. I am constantly checking my emails to see if you have sent anything. In my loneliness, I am desperate for contact with you, any contact. The photo that Vin put up of you in Warwick made my heart skip a beat. I so long to see you, to touch you, to hold you and to love you. 

I also understand that this is my body crying out for creature comforts and habits. Seeing you would be a quick fix to my immediate pain, a temporary cure for what troubles our hearts. 

I have not been able to do too much today, having spent a lot of it asleep and in bed, thinking. I know it is probably a good thing to do while I'm still processing what has happened, it is not the easiest way to pass time. 

The outcome of today's thinking is that I want you to know what you have done is incredibly immature way of dealing with the true problem of fear of commitment, the fear of growing up and perhaps the fear of facing up to the unfulfillment of your life. This is something that you have to realise for yourself and it only means something when no one but you come to terms with it. On my part, I have to think about whether or not I can bring myself to be with someone who deals with problems in such an immature way. Someone who does not have the balls to face up to problems and fears, someone who would sink to such lows when things aren't right.

I don't know any more if it is such a good idea to get back together, ever. It pains me even more to think that there is a possibility that that's going to be the outcome of months/years of thinking. I don't know what you are thinking or what you are doing about this.

I guess there's not much more to say.

I still love you and cannot stop thinking about you.