bonfire heart

days like this lead to

nights like this lead to

love like ours, you light the spark in my bonfire heart

people like us, we don't

need that much, just some

one that starts,

starts the spark in our bonfire hearts

I first heard this song on the drive down to the yoga retreat in Murwillumbah and thought of you. It came on the radio yesterday when we were on the way to the Mooloolaba spit. Like Oh Honey, it makes my heart skip a beat and takes me instantly back to a time when I felt that I had everything in the world that I had ever wanted. You were such a good boyfriend and I never felt luckier and didn't feel like I wanted anything more.

Seeing you today was such a shock. You would have seen it on my face, how I pretended not to have seen you, the way I looked away to see if I could bail and go the other way. I have to say that I was disappointed when I finally gathered the courage to look at you, you weren't looking back at me. I wonder if you had seen me at the shops beforehand? I wonder if it was mere coincidence? Or if you timed it so that we could cross paths the way we did. Maybe you didn't even see me but I think that wouldn't have been the case. 

It's Sunday night before work on a Monday. Almost for old times sake, and in search for some other sort of comfort, I made steamed barramundi and rice. It was the wrong thing to cook or eat in this heat. But I choked back tears, as I try to swat Pat away from trying to eat the rice, and ate anyway as quickly as I could, all alone, in silence.

I can't help but wonder if there will be a day when I'll spend a whole day not thinking of you. It is somewhat easier in the company of other people. I don't feel like I can or should let my emotions go freely when there are other people around me. 

I so want to send you the address of this blog, if you haven't already found it. It's not hard to look it up as it is linked to the same account that littleniteowl was created on, alongside all my other blogs from years past.

I don't know what tomorrow and the day after brings but I guess I will find out when the time comes. The same goes for my feelings towards you and about myself. It is one big wait and see game that we are now part of. Our roles aren't certain nor do we know what we are supposed to working towards.

It is so hard not to be working through this with you. You are the one person who I can work through anything with, even if it is to do with our relationship. I'm still so angry at you for letting something intrude upon everything we had worked so hard towards to. I am so angry at you for lacking courage, strength, logic and sense.