a letter to you

Dear Steve,

Today has not been the easiest of days and it is one where I have spent almost every minute thinking of you, what you have done, what it means, what we had and what the future brings for us. I woke up crying, went back to sleep, woke up to more tears, more thinking and less motivation than ever to do anything.

I was very close to giving you a ring. I am constantly checking my emails to see if you have sent anything. In my loneliness, I am desperate for contact with you, any contact. The photo that Vin put up of you in Warwick made my heart skip a beat. I so long to see you, to touch you, to hold you and to love you. 

I also understand that this is my body crying out for creature comforts and habits. Seeing you would be a quick fix to my immediate pain, a temporary cure for what troubles our hearts. 

I have not been able to do too much today, having spent a lot of it asleep and in bed, thinking. I know it is probably a good thing to do while I'm still processing what has happened, it is not the easiest way to pass time. 

The outcome of today's thinking is that I want you to know what you have done is incredibly immature way of dealing with the true problem of fear of commitment, the fear of growing up and perhaps the fear of facing up to the unfulfillment of your life. This is something that you have to realise for yourself and it only means something when no one but you come to terms with it. On my part, I have to think about whether or not I can bring myself to be with someone who deals with problems in such an immature way. Someone who does not have the balls to face up to problems and fears, someone who would sink to such lows when things aren't right.

I don't know any more if it is such a good idea to get back together, ever. It pains me even more to think that there is a possibility that that's going to be the outcome of months/years of thinking. I don't know what you are thinking or what you are doing about this.

I guess there's not much more to say.

I still love you and cannot stop thinking about you.