how i got here

I have just been cheated on, my head's a mess and my heart is still pining for the guy who broke it.

There, that's why I'm here, that's why I'm suddenly compelled to write again. The urge came so overwhelmingly and so acutely. It has been too long since I stopped and thought, it has been too long since I wrote anything more than what are we going to do. The last few years have seen me move towards the epitome of social norm. I go to work, I go to the gym, I eat good food, I meet new friends, I go to new places, I do fun things, I am happy. I thought I was happy. I didn't realise that I got too caught up with now, now and now and didn't allow anything to eventuate past the surface of doing. When friends would bring up topics that cry d+m, I sigh with dread and go 'here we go again, really? I have better things to do!'

I won't delve into all the juicy details of why my guy of 9 years cheated on me. But he did fall head over heels for someone else who took the time to think, who had the time to think, who made the time to think. And a whole lot of stupidity and senselessness on his part. And this was me many moons ago -> here, here and here.

How is it that you want something so much more when you can't have it?

True to my style, I've lost an incredible amount of weight in the space of three days. My hair has also started to fall out at the rate of exponential. I hope my appetite returns to some degree.

so we see a therapist in a few days. I'm strangely excited by the thought of seeing one. A sudden dose of deep thinking, deep digging and deep discovering sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Dear me, pun not intended. A road to self discovery has definitely been on the cards for awhile amongst my busy-ness. What is it I want and how I am going to get it and many more questions along those lines are going to come at me. I feel ready to bare my soul to a new person who is about to enter my life, our lives. Her name is Kim and I think I like her already.

Antacids, how could I have forgotten to buy them today? Deep peace meditation this evening was far from peaceful. The number of times where I choked back tears, furrowed my brow, tried to force myself to sleep and have my right leg twitching away like it's a piece of equipment low on battery. I almost walked out before yoga. I willed myself to stay despite the sharp pain in my side from the lack of food. I may have just gone to one of the toughest yoga classes. And they didn't even focus on hip openers. Each time I bow down with balasana (child's pose), I feel tears well in my eyes. More furrowing of brows. More holding back tears. It's amazing how the body works with emotions. Boy, I sure am trapped in a maze of emotions waiting to explode. But I surprise myself at how flexible my body has become during this time of excruciating numbness and shock. Everything went wrong music wise tonight. The harmonia (?) was out of tune and guitars were missing. Guitar you say. That's going to be a hard one to ignore. I love the guitar, I love the sound of him playing the guitar, and I love the sound of him singing. How can anyone not fall in love with him? They say never fall in love with a muso. A thoroughly romantic one at that. Why, he was once mine but is now lost. Curiosity killed the cat; creative writing won his heart. The second time. Will there be more?

So I'm going on a three day intense (hopefully?) yoga retreat. Happy anniversary to me. For the lack of feeling per se, I'm looking forward to opening those hip flexes and being completely enveloped in kirtan. Reminder to self: pack tissues. Raw emotions coming up.

I surprise myself sometimes. Being by myself tonight has been particularly enjoyable amidst this mess. A nice friend almost came over to give me a hug but I was too comfortable to hop out of bed and get dressed. It is nice to surprise oneself in such times.

Day five tomorrow. Today. It is past midnight and my twitchy legs are telling me it's time to hit the sack.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I still love you.