would you stay?

I've had close to five hours sleep last night. I woke again with the sinking feeling of dread and doom. Should I go back to sleep? Should I wake? Should I call him? I miss him. Like hell. He's not here, he was everything that made things right. Wait, he's no longer that person he royally put a fork, a knife, a permanent deep cut through your heart and feelings and trust. He CANNOT be that person. But I still love him. Ironic I know.

I came across this whilst doing a bit of reading on destiny. This is exactly the crossroads where I am. It is fate that brings two people together, but it is destiny and commitment that keeps them together. And love, there's always love. Deep unconditional passionate unforgiving love. I realised this somewhere mid last year. That my love for him was exactly that, deep unconditional passionate and unforgiving. It was love no matter what, it was love even if he doesn't shut the kitchen cupboards.

But never in my wildest dreams have I thought I would have to consider cheating. Listening to the early morning chirps as I wake up to an empty house, my gut tells me it is over. I'm a grown woman now, I'm successful, have great friends, have a good job and have a reasonably resilient head screwed on, the world could be my oyster. If I allowed it to be. My emotions, the raw painful emotions are telling me that it is too soon, too foreign, too hard, and too insane to think that. Should I throw in the towel and leave the country? Should I throw in all that I have worked so hard towards and start afresh in a new place? Physically remove myself from the situation? At the end of it all, what have I got to lose?

Our history has been bittersweet. It was a great deal of fun and torturous at the same time. He watched me grow from a girl to a lady to a successful woman. He saw me through one of the toughest times of my life. He saw it in my eyes who I was, who I was going to become and who I am, all before I knew anything myself. That is going to be the hardest thing but it will always be our special connection. Always and forever. No one can take that away from us. Not even cheating.

I really should get out of bed and get ready for work. I have never been an early morning person but I may as well make the most of it while I'm waking at sparrow o'clock.

I leave you with this. Would you stay?