nine years

Nine years ago today something traumatic happened. Something beautiful started. It brought out the worst and the best in me. And now I need to face it ending. Whatever happens in the future, this marks the end of what was. This realisation is true, real and painful. But it is the right thing to do. Whatever we had has been twisted into a wiry mess and stuck down an already clogged drain. It needs to get flushed out of our systems. It needs a fresh start. For me, and for the both of us. 

Going our own ways will make it more real and more convenient to accept. We both need a fresh start, away from what was once ours, away from the destructive corners of our lives, and away from the sweet memories. 

Today I will take myself on a holiday for myself by myself for the first time. There will be a lot of soul searching, there will be a lot of crying and terrifying awakenings. It is and will be all part of the grieving process and I accept that. You can't just erase feelings and happiness from nine years in a blink of an eye.

The daily evening storms are like a sign for me that the universe is helping me grieve and is helping me clean. The move out of our current old and mouldy house will do us good too. It will bring clarity to what we want.

I have suffered the evils of superficiality and I have changed as a person. Not for better or for worse, but I have changed and so has my thinking. I need to work it out within myself what I see as the future I want for myself and the kind of person I want to be. I cannot change the past and I cannot predict the future. I need to be ready within to accept what challenges and surprises life has in store for me.

And may this weekend be the beginning of that eternal search. From within, from the heart.

Happy anniversary to me. It's time to get up and grow again.